smoothie

Howdy team, it's me, back again for recipe number two. It's labor day, and I woke up too early this morning like a fucking idiot and figured I may as well keep the ball rolling here. In my last post, I mentioned smoothies.

When I say the word, "smoothie," I don't mean the delicious, decadent, superfood-laden Los Angeles type of smoothie. I'm not from around these parts. Where I'm from, smoothies are engineered for survival.

Well, not really. They're mostly made to be cheap. And the kind I liked used to be cheap. Now, I'm a spoiled west coast type of gal, and therefore will include two more hoighty-toighty ingredients to the once-humble green(-ish) smoothie I'm about to share with you.

A little precursor to this recipe: one huge thing that's going to contribute to your success in this endeavor is your method of freezing the berries, bananas, and kale. I like to slice mine up the night before and freeze it all on a cookie sheet, like so:

It looks kind of silly. But doing it this way (and not just tossing everything into a plastic bag straight from room temperature) will make sure that your fruits and veggies don't freeze into one giant, un-blendable mass of produce. Heed my warning. Let me make the mistakes for you.

To start with, you'll need:

half of a banana, sliced and frozen (in that order)

a quarter cup of frozen berries (or any type of frozen fruit)

a half cup of soymilk (or any type of non-dairy milk)

a tablespoon of cinnamon (I prefer to be generous here)

a quarter cup of kale, blanched and frozen (or not)

Alright. That's the base recipe. Now for the big-ticket items:

1. Chia seeds. A tablespoon. I used to use two, and back in the REALLY ignorant days I literally just dumped a bunch in without measuring at all (expensive). Not only nutritious, but also vital for optimal texture.

And:

2. A single...

...choice...

...medjool...

...date. The ultimate unrefined sweetener. You're going to want to chop it up finely. This ensures that your smoothie will be uniformly sweet throughout no matter how cheap your blender is.

I know what you're thinking, and you're right. But sometimes, a girl's just gotta live.

Let's get to the blending. I use this single-serving blender-cup from Walmart. I fill it up way too high. Don't do that. You're going to void your warranty.

The ingredients' order of entry into the blender cup is imperative. The reason for this is because you want the chias to hit the non-dairy milk before they touch the cup so as many as possible get embedded into the body of the smoothie. Frozen produce, dates, liquid, chia seeds, and cinnamon, in that order, is what works best for me.

Screw the bladed lid on. Now we're ready to rock and roll. I usually have to shake my blender to get everything to blend fully; this is because, again, I fill it up too much like a fat hog. Don't do that. If it won't blend, you're either filling it up too much or not using enough liquid lubrication. Add more non-dairy milk. You're going to void your warranty.

Okay. Let's be frank here. That looks very healthy. Now, normally, if it were just me oinking this down alone under the velvety cloak of early-morning darkness, this is where the journey would end. But since I'm doing this one for you, we're going to doctor it up some. Give it a little bit of that Hollywood flair.

For toppings, I've got some sunflower seeds, some sliced banana (not frozen), and more chia seeds, but you can literally use anything for this part. My selections on this day are not necessarily representative of the full so-cal smoothie bowl experience, but it's what I had on hand. Pour your goo into a bowl, tap the bottom against the table (cushioning it with a soft dish towel), and smooth out the top with a spoon. Let's toss this shit on.

There, that doesn't look so bad. My favorite part about this particular recipe? The little chunks of dates floating around throughout. They're delightful. They get me going in the morning.

Feel free to experiment with this one. Basically, as long as you freeze the produce and include some sort of liquid, you're going to end up with a smoothie no matter what. You could even use water instead of non-dairy milk if you wanted to (barf). This recipe is idiot-proof. I know this because I, myself, am an idiot.

This thing revolutionized my mornings, and I'm hoping it's going to do the same for you. I've armed you with the knowledge. Now go out there and make the smoothie.