hummus

Hello again, heathens. It's that time of day again. I'm reporting to you live from my desk with yet another savory sensation.

If you've been tuning in this last week and a half, you've probably picked up on the fact that I try to avoid a lot of the more luxurious vegan products available on the market. This decision is not based in principle. I am not a minimalist. I do not "ball" on a budget. I'm just a cheap piece of shit, and hummus from the store is expensive as fuck. Today, we're going Mediterranean with my frugal take on everybody's favorite bean dip, with a little twist. Let's talk ingredients.

one cup of chickpeas, soaked and boiled

one clove of garlic

a tablespoon of olive oil

one third of a red bell pepper

lemon

salt

pepper

Now, more experienced vegans are going to run their fingers down this list and notice something very important missing. That thing is what we plant-based hippies refer to as "tahini." Tahini is a paste derived from ground sesame seeds, somewhat akin to peanut butter, only a bit more bitter and a bit less thick. It's delicious. It's great on frozen bananas with cinnamon, which is actually the specific reason why I no longer have any in my pantry. But it's chickpea week, I was craving some of the hum, and my culinary repertoire isn't exactly as diverse as I'd like it to be at this juncture. The show, however, must go on, so I had to find a suitable replacement. This is not going to be a popular decision. Leave your hate in the comments. What you're about to read may shock and horrify.

Our final ingredient is sesame oil, the last tablespoon I had in the bottle; we're subbing out a portion of what would normally be 100% olive oil, just so we don't end up with sloppy chickpea soup. I know. Sesame oil and tahini are not the same thing. Just read the recipe and let me live my fucking life.

Get your pre-soaked beans cookin' over the flame. Give them about forty-five minutes to come alive and then rinse with cold water.

Remember that red bell pepper from last week? Well, he's back again for round two. This has been roasting under the broiler for about fifteen minutes at 425°. My toaster oven is weak as hell, though, so your mileage may vary here. Keep a close eye on this part.

Combine everything you've got into a food processor. I think real chefs drizzle in their oil through the lid as the ingredients blend to emulsify the mixture, but something about mine traps it and prevents it from reaching the main chamber. So I just dump everything in all at once like a slob.

God, I felt like an idiot doing this part. There's just something about it that felt so...impure. Anyway. In it goes. Let's whiz it up like Jamie Oliver.

Okay, that doesn't look so bad. I ended up adding a tablespoon and a half of water just to loosen her up a little bit. I scooped this stuff out with a spatula and put it into an old plastic take-out container for safekeeping.

And that, as they say, is all she wrote. This was a short one, but that's the best part about hummus: simple, yet immensely satisfying.

With that being said, I absolutely cannot recommend using sesame oil in place of tahini; not only does it taste and smell very different than it's supposed to, it also starts seeping a very unpleasant piss-colored liquid after only a few days in refrigeration. That fact has not, however, stopped me from eating it every single day since making it, but what else did you guys expect?

We are pinkbelly. You come for the food. You stay for the pig. This is your humble host, signing off for now. I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.