aquafaba

Something they don't tell you about being vegan when you sign up: most chocolate contains milk. Frozen dairy? Obviously contains cream. I'm gluten-free, which pretty much automatically rules out most baked goods, but even if I weren't, butter lurks unseen in every corner. This eliminates most of my favorite go-to sugary treats, and generally when I feel a craving for something fattening I'm left with few options other than dried cranberries and/or sticking my spoon directly into the peanut butter jar. Both are delicious options, but when one is only allowed to get her fix by sneaking slugs of vanilla soymilk right from the carton in between meals, you kind of start to go a little bit crazy.

So, in order to break up the monotony, I've decided to share with you all what in my opinion is probably one of the most fascinating vegan foods I've ever discovered: the seemingly-impossible magic that is aquafaba. No idea what that is? Don't be so sure; we made some chickpeas on Monday, and, if you've been actively participating in our shenanigans, you'll remember that I told you to reduce and set aside the water they were cooking in. This is our aquafaba, the starchy liquid byproduct left over after the garbanzos have expanded and finished cooking; you'll find them floating around in the same substance when you pop open a can of them from the store, and today we're gonna make a dessert out of it. Are you gagging yet? You should be, I did the first time I heard of it. But trust me when I say: it's nowhere near as unpleasant as it sounds. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.

The point I'm trying to make here: my sweet tooth has been burning a hole in the side of my mouth, and the situation has gotten desperate enough to warrant me digging frozen banana slices out from my disgusting smoothie freezer bag in the wee hours of the morning when I feel a snack attack coming on. I'm a complete mess. I'm the prize sow at the county fair. Let's whip this bean water into shape.

This recipe is both simple and budget-friendly; it's literally like pulling ice cream out of thin air. You probably have most of this stuff sitting in your pantry, right now.

one cup of aquafaba

one quarter cup of brown sugar

one lemon

one-eighth of a tablespoon of cream of tartar

An ingredient list this short and sweet is enough to get me revved up on a Friday morning. Grab the biggest bowl in your arsenal and dump in the goods.

She ain't pretty, but she's gonna take us far. Use a fork to stir in the cream of tartar. Juice your lemon and add that, too. Grab a hand mixer and start your whippin'.

For this first round of air incorporation, keep it on its most gentle setting. In the past I've found that going whole-hog right from the get-go is enough to intimidate the fluff and stop it from fully stabilizing.

It will feel like it's not going to work for the first three or four minutes, but you just need to power through and believe. Once it gets a little less foamy, toss in some sugar.

I used brown sugar here because that's all I had. Powdered sugar would probably be better. Do what you need to do.

After about fifteen minutes of beating, it starts to look less vegan and more delicious. You know you're heading in the right direction when the ripples start piling up on each other after agitation instead of just sinking back down into the bowl right away.

Oh, fuck yeah. It doesn't even look like tepid cum anymore. If you're looking to jazz it up with some flavor, now would be the time. Two quick tips to keep in mind:

1. Flavor suspended in liquid (like vanilla extract, coffee, tea, or rum) should be as concentrated as possible and added in very small amounts. Too much will cause the whip to collapse into a soupy mess. Not ideal.

2. Any chunk-based additions (such as chocolate, fruit, or nuts) should be chopped into very fine, light-weight pieces; this is to prevent them all from sinking to the bottom.

Powder-based flavorings (such as matcha or dehydrated peanut butter) would probably be the best thing to use here, although I've never tried it personally. You're going to want to fold these things together, as opposed to beating them in with the mechanical blades.

Sometimes I like to use it as a fun little fruit dip, but there are many applications this base recipe can be used for. The world is your oyster.

To freeze it for later, line a big tupperware container with some plastic wrap and pour it in. If you're going to eat it this way, I recommend minimizing the time between whipping and deep freeze as much as possible; the longer this stuff sits out in open air, the more it's going to lose its natural volume, bounce, luster, and shine.

After about eight hours in the brig, it should look a little something like this. In this state, it rarely hits the bowl before getting to my gaping maw.

Okay, now it's time for some bonus material. I'm about to take you behind the scenes and reveal some information that's going to make me look like a fucking idiot. To start off: this vegan meringue turned out better than any meringue I've ever attempted to make, egg white or otherwise, speaking strictly in terms of texture. This shit turned out looking like marshmallow fluff, I was so excited to eat it. But when I dug my spoon in and tasted that first bite, I realized I had made a huge mistake: I salted the water before cooking the chickpeas, which made them taste great and the aquafaba taste like briny tidepool water. I literally used up all of the sugar in my cupboard (plus a few packets of Splenda™ swiped from a local Starbucks) trying to salvage it. It didn't work. Learn from my mistakes. Be the person I'll never have the opportunity to be.

Later that night, I got real stoned and started crunching some numbers: salty + sweet = good. This is a formula that I know works in a lot of different contexts, so in an effort to not let this endeavor be a total failure (and a waste of perfectly good bean water), I grabbed a (nearly empty) bag of craisins, threw 'em on top, and tried to eat it that way. It was alright for maybe three bites but after that it just kind of made me want to barf.

The scene of the crime. I am a weak woman. I've got needs, you know.