zucchini muffins

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m feeling chubby as hell today.

The weekend came and went like a tornado, taking with it every last ounce of my dignity and strength. I woke up with the most severe hangover I’ve experienced since I was nineteen and hanging out with a lot of people who made me want to drink a lot. Mornings like this tend to evoke extreme cravings for very specific foods, this one of course being no exception. To celebrate surviving, we’re gonna do some baking.

The order of the day is zucchini quickbread muffins. Why muffins? No clue. Asking questions like that is like tossing pennies down a well.

After checking out several less-than-appealing videos on the subject, I decided on a version by Honeysuckle Catering. You’ll notice that hers is actually a carrot cake; we’re gonna take this thing a couple steps beyond that, though, elevating it to include at least one serving of greens per muffin. This is my adaptation of her family’s original recipe, with a few slight modifications on my part. It’s Monday. Let’s make a big, sloppy mess.

two cups of grated zucchini

one cup of grated carrots

one quarter of a cup of crushed pineapple

two cups of rice flour

one half of a cup of brown sugar

two tablespoons of chia seeds

two tablespoons of coconut oil

one teaspoon of baking powder

one half of a cup of crushed pistachios

one tablespoon of cinnamon

one pinch of salt

freshly grated nutmeg

You’re gonna want to get your chia egg going sooner rather than later. Mix the fellas up with two tablespoons of water and leave them the fuck alone.

The ingenuity of the vegan community never ceases to amaze me. Who was the first person to take this idea seriously enough to put it to work? Just looking at it right now, you would never think it would be powerful enough to hold all of our shit together, but it is, and it will. Give them at least fifteen minutes to develop.

In the meantime, both of your hands should be free, so make yourself useful and grate up the zucchini and carrot. I prefer my zucchini strands slightly bigger than the carrot flakes, just for a bit of textural variety. Grab a box grater and start hackin’.

Task complete; satisfaction. Dissolve your sugar in the oil and crushed pineapple. Gather your happy little ribbons of veggies and add them, too, followed by the chia seed egg.

I can't tell if it looks more like vomit or really, really bad diarrhea. Don't think about it. Stay focused on the bigger picture. Set this aside momentarily and preheat your oven to 350°.

In a larger vessel, whisk the rest of the dry ingredients together, leaving out only the pistachios. Bring your two bowls together in holy, immortal matrimony.

Did I do this right? Do the wet ingredients go into the dry ingredients, or is it the other way around? It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Switch over to a spatula and fold.

Remember our pistachios? It's their time to shine. Sprinkle and stir. We're just about ready for the homestretch.

Take a spoon and fill your tins up halfway; these guys are very gluten-free and don't rise all that much, but you still want to give them a little room to grow. Let them bake for a solid thirty minutes, or until the edges are golden brown and you can poke 'em through with a toothpick without pulling up any of their guts.

Our final product; they're hauntingly beautiful, and they don't even look all that healthy. I gave one to my aunt and she said they should be a little bit sweeter. Make of that what you will and adjust accordingly.

This recipe was enough to make nine muffins. Like me, they're quite dense, and a little hard to swallow if you try to eat them too quickly. Lighter than a full meal and heartier than a mere snack, they're great for those lulls throughout the day when you just need a little something extra to keep the ball rolling.