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zucchini fritters

  • Writer: emmadawngarofalo .
    emmadawngarofalo .
  • Sep 21, 2017
  • 3 min read

Salutations, brothers and sisters. I'm happy to report the fact that the words you're reading right now were written lovingly from the toilet, thanks to a previously-mentioned bout of food poisoning that still maintains its vice grip on my life and body; I was hoping to be feeling better by this morning, but somehow the diarrhea has only become more powerful.


What type of food goes best with debilitating illness? Glad you asked, I'm gonna go ahead and say we should make something green and fried in hot, sticky oil. Something that fits the bill perfectly? Zucchini fritters, vegan-style, with not just one but two different types of egg replacers. Yes, you read that right. This is a version of my nonni's original award-winning recipe, with a few slight modifications on my part.



one large zucchini

one cup of brown rice flour

one quarter of a white onion

one small shallot

two cloves of garlic

two tablespoons of chia seeds

two cups of unsweetended aquafaba

salt

pepper



Get your chia egg going and grab your box grater from Monday. We're gonna hit the ground running and mash this zuke right up against the side of it for a minute.


Salt and massage the grated zucchini and set aside for now. In another dish, grate the white onion and garlic together finely; if your grater isn't quite dainty enough for the task, use a microplane instead.

Once the zucchini has had a chance to absorb the salt and release a bit of water, put it in a colander to drain it. The more water you're able to squeeze from the mush, the better these fritters are gonna turn out for you. Use a clean towel to absorb the tail-end of it and let the mess sit.

While your pile drips zucchini piss, chop your shallot into long and very thin slices. Work these into your greens.

Once you have all of your ingredients assembled, get the flour into a big bowl and start getting everything except for the aquafaba all scrambled up in there. If the mixture feels a bit too thick, you can add water one tablespoon at a time to loosen it up.

A bit less revolting-looking than the muffin batter; something about that neon orange tinge from the carrots just made my skin crawl. Anyway.


The original recipe for these fritters calls for whipped egg whites to make them lighter, so, being the genius that I am, I decided to try incorporating aquafaba fluff into this dish in order to emulate the real thing as closely as possible. The unfortunate truth though is that this day's aquafaba did not take quite as well as the last batch. I have absolutely no idea why. All I know is that somewhere, somehow, I fucked up.

Here's a picture of me adding bean water foam uselessly to what turned out to be an unusually dense ball of dough-batter.


I was being very optimistic here. I probably could have skipped this part entirely considering how shitty the meringue turned out; it completely disappeared into nothing after mixing again. Ashes to ashes, I suppose.


If you've made it this far, you're ready to light these puppies up. Set a large, non-stick skillet over medium heat. Squirt in some olive oil and give it a minute to get hot and spicy.


I used about a tablespoon of batter per fritter; again, the final dough ended up being quite dense so I made sure to flatten them out with the back of my spoon once I got them in the pan. Give them about five minutes on each side, adding a drop of oil here and there to keep everything nice and lubricated; you'll know they're ready to flip when you can see a faint edge of gold running along the bottoms.

Well, here they are. They're not quite healthy and they're not quite junk food, but they certainly are something.


Full of folate-rich zucchini and packed with omega-3 fatty acids from the chia seeds, these things are misleadingly tasty enough to make any fatass (myself included) excited to eat their veggies.

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