quinoa granola

We're back, degenerates. It's Monday morning and this bitch has got the munchies. To stay relevant in the public eye we're selling out completely and doing a generic Autumn-themed Week with recipes that feature more seasonal ingredients than you can shake a dang stick at.

Today's offering is unlike any you've seen before: granola. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. Any yahoo in this godforsaken country can toast a fucking tray of oats. Ordinarily, I would concede respectfully and fade off into the shadows. But this time, I've actually got an ace up my sleeve. You guessed it: quinoa. This protein-packed superfood will serve as the main body of our treat, and it's bringing some friends to help out along the way.

You want the stuff? You've got to get the stuff.

one half of a cup of tri-color quinoa

one quarter of a cup of walnut scraps

one quarter of a cup of shelled pistachios

one quarter of a cup of shredded, unsweetened coconut

one tablespoon of chia seeds

two tablespoons of coconut oil

two choice medjool dates

one tablespoon of cinnamon

one teaspoon of vanilla extract

one pinch of salt

one punk'n full of seeds

Alright. Before you do anything else, wash your quinoa and get it on the stove. It takes a really long fucking time to cook through.

Great, now that we have that going, we're going to tackle the pumpkin and harvest its precious young. I've spared you the agony of actually looking at photos of the deconstructing process. It got messy. I tried very hard to make it pretty. It didn't work. Cut the thing in half. Scoop out the seeds. Rinse off the orange placenta.

We've been doing a lot of rinsing here lately. You guys had better get used to looking at the inside of my sink.

Towel them off and give them a moment to dry. I read online that keeping the shells on maximizes the amount of zinc they put into your body. That's good news for us because I don't know how to fucking remove them.

Once you've got all the boys in your bowl, it's time to prepare the dressing. Nuke the coconut oil together with the vanilla, cinnamon, and salt. Stir everything up and toss that into the blender-cup. This is where things got a little crazy.

So, this is the seasoned oil, and those are the two dates floating around in it. The idea here was to sweeten the granola naturally instead of using refined sugar. Did it work?

...sort of. Keep reading.

After a few minutes of whizzing, I thought everything had sort of gotten friendly in there, but then upon further inspection I saw that the dates had not been fully combined with the rest of the ingredients; the blades definitely masticated them thoroughly enough, they just didn't quite marry into the oil like I had hoped. Problemtic? For a real chef, yes. For me, though? Whatever. I just threw it all in. Nothing matters. We've been through this. Mix it up. Get wrecked.

Honestly I just really need to invest in a bottle of maple syrup. This whole "no honey" thing sucks ass.

When you're tired of stirring, take your spatula and spread the mixture out onto a tray lined with a sheet of parchment paper. This was actually the last piece in the roll, so in addition to my sink you guys are also going to be seeing a LOT more of my nasty, crusty baking pans than I'd normally be comfortable sharing with you. But, like I've previously said, the show must go on. I swear to god I scrub them between each recipe. They were my nonna's. They're well-loved. Don't judge me.

Once you've flattened out your kibbles and bits, stick your masterpiece into the oven for twelve minutes at 325°.

After that time has elapsed, yank 'em out and toss those suckers around with a fork. Neaten everything up and put it back in. Do this once or twice more until everything is crispy enough for your liking.

Now, as you can see, mine is definitely a bit more on the well-done side. This is because I went a little retarded and cranked the heat up to 350° at the end like an idiot. Do not do this. Be patient. Trust in the process.

With that being said, the whole thing still turned out really fucking delicious. I picked out the totally ruined sections for the photo and even those tasted pretty good. I'm not saying this to vindicate myself. I'm saying it so you can live without fear.

This stuff is great if you're looking for something new to munch on at work; the added protein from the quinoa is perfect to help stave off those mid-afternoon feelings of emptiness we are all quite familiar with. Keep sealed in an airtight container and enjoy.