seasonal salad

It's Wednesday, people. And after two whole days of busting our humps at the office, we all deserve something a little more special than usual for lunch. Today we're pushing the proverbial envelope with my take on an Autumn-inspired seasonal salad in accordance with our Autumn Week theme.

As far as salads go, the one we will be preparing is definitely more on the advanced end of the spectrum. There are many different elements, including an all-new, exclusive, homemade dressing formulated painstakingly in the pinkbelly test lab just for your consumption. This thing actually turned out pretty decent. I could just shit.

The ingredient list is lengthy, but trust me when I say it is so worth the hassle.

for the dressing:

two tablespoons of olive oil

four tablespoons of apple cider vinegar

one teaspoon of tahini

one small clove of pressed garlic

the juice of one lemon

salt

pepper

for the salad:

beetroot and fresh pumpkin, tossed in olive oil, salt, and pepper

tofu, marinated in sesame oil, sugar, and pressed garlic

cooked quinoa

kale

a dollop of hummus, sprinkled with paprika

one handful of shelled punk'n seeds

I know, it sounds like a lot of work for a fucking salad. Just roll with me for now and ask questions later.

Before anything, rinse your quinoa and get it cooking on the stove. The second task at hand? Starting your tofu marinade.

Normal women probably do this step in glass pyrex, but if you're white trash like me I'm sure you're more than familiar with this particular method. Waste not, want not. Dump your shit in and rub everything down with your fingers.

This part always makes me feel like Dexter. Stick 'em into the fridge and let them soak it all in while you prepare the rest of the pizza pie.

I mentioned a pumpkin yesterday. He didn't get a chance to shine. But today, he's the star of the show.

Take half of the goddamn gourd and peel it. Cut it down into small cubes. Do the same with your beet.

Get both vegetables into a large bowl; admire the contrast in color. Add oil, salt, and pepper. Toss your chunks.

Set your oven to 350°. Spread everything out on a cookie sheet and put them in for about twenty-five minutes, rattling them around once or twice throughout. On to the dressing.

This part is easy. Just get it all in the jar. Shake it like you want it dead. Remember our tofu? It should be ready to fry. Let's light it up.

I didn't add any additional oil aside from the marinade, but that part is totally up to you; using a non-stick pan will aid you in this endeavor. If they start sticking to the bottom, add a tablespoon or two of water to get them moving again. Just do your best. It's okay.

Get your kale into the fucking colander. Rinse off the scum.

By this time, the veggies should be done. You want them crispy but not completely cooked to death.

Take your dressing and massage it into the kale with your hands. I know this part sounds stupid; I felt stupid doing it. Working the dressing in helps your body digest it more effectively and saves us the trouble of having to cook it.

We've already put in way too much effort to make this salad; I'm not fucking blanching a single handful of kale on top of everything else. I'm a lover of fine vegan cuisine, not a masochist.

Yes. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. Gather each component and pull out an empty bowl. It's time to awaken the artist within.

Feel free to get creative here; I just kind of put a little scoop of everything over the kale and then stuck a dollop of hummus on top, but this part is truly your moment. Anything goes. Build a salad that smiles back at you as you eat it alone at your desk in front of the computer.

This is probably the best salad I've ever made in my life, and I'm not just saying that to be cute. I have literally never gotten this full from eating a single salad before, especially one this comically small. It pretty much covers all of your bases in terms of vegan sources of protein. This is desirable because when you're vegan and you don't eat enough protein, you're hungry all of the fucking time. And nobody likes a fat, ugly bitch who always has a snack hanging out of her mouth.

This is also a great entrée to include in your weekly meal prep rotation; when you're enjoying the bounty of the season your brain is too distracted by the pretty colors to feel the unstoppable passage of time we all experience as mortal, sentient beings. Not a good look, especially at work.

These ingredients keep well in the fridge for up to five days; I store the kale separately in a bag so it doesn't wilt and get smelly in the sealed jars. And, as always, you're gonna want to wait until the morning of the meal to add the dressing. But I probably didn't have to tell you that.