french tofu sticks

You're back again. We have got to stop meeting like this. There are two days remaining in #DepressionWeek, which means there are two more depressing recipes to be presented here for your entertainment purposes.

My analytics say this blog gets about ninety hits a week, and I'm pretty sure at least sixty of those are just me checking for spelling errors after the posts are already up. So if you're reading these words right now, chances are you constitute at least one of those remaining thirty pairs of eyeballs, and if that's true, let me just take a moment to sincerely thank you for your viewership. I make no money off of this endeavor; it's an entirely selfish pursuit. This is something I do for giggles and having a few playmates around really does make it that much more fun. I'm a whore for attention, that much should be obvious already.

We're going to be frying up some french toast sticks, only instead of using wet bread as our main ingredient, we're going to use tofu. Our adventure today was inspired by this video from a vlogger called something vegan, and by "inspired" I mean that I saw the thumbnail and decided to do it without actually watching the video or reading the recipe. I'm lazy. It's gonna look just like the real thing.

This recipe is sort of a silly one; there is absolutely no reason anybody should be making a meal like this unless they're looking to post about it online afterward, much like I am now.

one third of a block of tofu, drawn and quartered

one quarter of a cup of non-dairy milk

one teaspoon of cinnamon

one splash of imitation vanilla extract

two tablespoons of stevia

Like most tofu dishes, this one begins with some marination. Tofu tastes like nothing; any vegan can attest to this fact. Marinating your soy bean loaf ensures that the insides get just as soggy with flavor as the outside.

Our marinade. Ain't she a beaut? Get all of your stuff into a bowl and stir it up with a fork. I got a big fat sack of stevia at Aldi the other day for like three dollars, which means you guys are going to be seeing a lot of this shit in the coming weeks. It's all the fun of Splenda with at least forty percent less cancer included.

I didn't want to be the one to say it, but you're gonna need another trash bag. Cut the tofu into pieces that resemble the food we are attempting to mimic here, dump them into the milk bath, and let them soak.

After about twenty minutes of suspended animation, they should be good to go. This is another one where I tried to keep it oil-free, for better or for worse. I'll let you decide how well it turned out.

That doesn't look quite right. I'm far from an expert, but something I do know is that soggy tofu isn't really great in any context, sweet or savory. Let's keep going and hope for the best.

Well, they are completely cooked, that much certainly cannot be denied. The cinnamon didn't really stick to them the way I wanted it to; perhaps the marinade wasn't quite penetrative enough, maybe that's why normal people just use bread. This is the life god mapped out for me, though, so I guess this is about as good as it's gonna get.

Honestly, these kind of turned out like shit. I had high expectations; I set myself up for disappointment. Part of being an adult is accepting the things in life that let us down and making the best of them regardless.

I probably should have added more stevia into the brine, or just used real sugar like a real pig. With syrup and/or fruit these would probably make a half-way decent breakfast but on their own they definitely leave a lot to be desired. Oh, well. We tried.