trail mix

There's something very weird about Californians I notice all the time, especially so when I first moved out here and was still getting acclimated to the local culture and climate. The observation: they like to hike, a lot. Like, they go out of their way to seek unnatural opportunities to hike, in the morning, on their lunch break at work, at all kinds of ungodly hours. I even saw a hiking-themed bachelorette party on Pinterest once, but we won't go there because that sort of thing is too demented even for somebody like me. The point is, everybody in this state fucking hates themselves, but that's not my problem. My concern right now: what I can only assume is my biggest demographic's crashing blood sugar levels due in part to all of this unnecessary physical activity; masochism of this magnitude is enough to throw any mortal person's electrolyte balance way the fuck off, and that's where I come in. Today will be my take on the ultimate outdoors-y treat: a god damn handful of trail mix. Because nothing makes exercise feel less torturous like eating a snack while you do it.

Yeah, I know. After such a strong run, ending #DepressionWeek with a trail mix recipe does sort of feel like a cop-out. I'm a cheap bitch. You should already know that by this point.

peanuts

almonds

walnuts

pumpkin seeds

raisins

vegan chocolate chips

Hope you're hungry; I know I am. I've got a fucking job interview today, so let's make this quick.

Our savory selection. Almonds because they keep you full. Walnuts because they make your brain powerful. Pumpkin seeds because they're in season. Peanuts because they're cheap as hell and bulk up the final product; nobody wants to be seen toting around a scant baggie of trail mix, not in this town. It just makes you look like bad people.

The full roster, sweeties and all. Do NOT skimp on the vegan chocolate chips. Who the hell are you trying to impress?

Once you have everything together in the same bowl, you're pretty much done with the hardest part of this recipe. Take a moment to pause and reflect, not only on the choices you made in terms of your bowl of nuts but also in terms of the ones you've made previously in life.

Get 'em riled up in there. Use your spoon. Make them all friends.

And there you have it: hippie chow, straight from the source. Bring some along with you to yoga, to work, to your stupid kid's next softball game. Or just eat the entire batch alone in the dark immediately after making it, as I am known to do from time to time. This is pinkbelly. We do not judge here.

I used to think things like trail mix and hiking were just yuppie witchcraft intended to make me feel bad about my bag of Doritos and my couch-potato-y ways, but since embarking on this vegan journey I have grown enough to see the merit in both healthier alternatives. This recipe is my olive branch, extended to health-conscious Californians everywhere. Your energy knows no bounds. I have literally no idea how you guys get up in the morning every god damn day. Kudos.

You can make a mess like I did here, or you can store the trail mix in an airtight container for future use. I like to munch on it whenever I get too tired from sitting on my ass all day.

Now, that's what I call a mason jar. Stay safe out there this weekend. I'll see you guys on Monday.