peanut butter

Hello again, cretins. This is pinkbelly, America's most-trusted source for family-friendly humor and extravagant vegan cuisine.

I got a little bit drunk last night. It's Thursday, which, to me, at this point in time, means nothing. The sun rises and continues to set on my worthless existence. The place I interviewed at last Friday is being a bit too coy for my liking, but there is nothing to be done. They hold all of the cards. I am but a peasant begging to be mercifully released from this life of unemployment completely devoid of purpose.

When most normal individuals in their twenties drink, they drink with friends. They also get horny, which is something I don't really experience. When I drink, something slightly different happens. I get Hungry. Like, unusually hungry, for very strange things. I like to call this unmistakable sensation, "food-horniness." Last night's craving? Peanut butter, plain and simple, and I didn't have any. The worst. Blue-balled by my own pantry.

In my incapacitated state, however, I did have an epiphany: what goes better with White Bread than a nice slathering of peanut butter? Nothing, that's what. Today we are remaining in formation with our White Bread theme Week with yet another pinkbelly classic.

Ingredients? Look, pal, I got the list right here. I don't want any trouble.

peanuts

salt

vanilla

two tablespoons of stevia

one tablespoon of coconut oil

I know, a couple of wacky choices were made here. This ain't your mother's homemade peanut butter, probably. I could use another cup of coffee.

First and foremost, nuke the coconut oil and vanilla. I like the idea of both of them sitting together in the bowl together for a few minutes before adding them into the mix. Real chefs would say that the flavors are marrying. I say it looks like they're swapping spit.

Here are the boys in all of their glory. I got roasted spanish peanuts for this recipe because they're tasty and my mom likes them, but in theory you could use any type of nut your little heart desires. Walnuts? Fuck yeah. Hazelnut/pistachio? Sure. A luxurious blend of pignolias, brazil nuts, and pecans? It's gonna be expensive as hell, but I'm not about to start telling you how to live your life.

Once you've properly appreciated the way the light glances off of the surfaces of the precious legumes, you're ready to destroy them with the blades of your food processor. Add in all of the junk and prepare your finger for the button-pressing of its life.

You literally just want to keep it going on the "grind" setting for as long as possible, and it will take a very long time to achieve desirable results. It's not gonna feel like it's working until it starts working, and when it does start working, it's really going to start working. Scrape down the sides. March onward into your foggy, uncertain future.

We're getting there, but that still doesn't look quite right. One dangerous thing about this recipe is how easy it is to pick from the bowl. This stuff was so fucking delicious, even at this stage; it sort of tasted the way powdered peanut butter tastes, only very chunky and full of delicious lipids. I'm honestly shocked at how much of it survived for final presentation.

This is is the consistency that I consider ideal; some types of people would probably prefer a more spreadable nut butter, but I was afraid of pushing the envelope too much. My food processor is very cheap. It was overheating a lot and there were several points in this recipe where I was positive it was going to crap out forever. This was after maybe twenty-five minutes of continuous pulsing. The machine was making noises I have never heard it make before, but in the end, she got the job done, and that's truly all I can ask of her. Ya did good, Bessie. Ya did good.

The final product was admittedly a bit stiffer than the kind you buy from the store, but what did you expect? This shit is the real thing, baby. There are no hydrogenated vegetable solids here to protect you from the truth.