pesto

You know that thing some vegans say where it's like, being vegan isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle? When you're not a vegan, that statement sounds absolutely ridiculous, but that's because most normal people don't notice how many aspects of a modern human's daily life are rooted in animal cruelty. Before I joined my plant-based brethren in nooch-enhanced harmony, I was also completely blind to these things. One huge hurdle to overcome in my own personal transition? Getting used to the fact that pesto has fucking cheese in it. As an omnivore, you just look at the stuff, see green, and assume it's healthy and wholesome. Not the case.

Today's adaptation of one of my favorite things from childhood is brought to you in part by Alyssa of Simply Quinoa, vegan Youtuber extraordinaire. Her recipe comes so close to my mother's, it's uncanny. This didn't stop me from modifying it slightly, however.

one half of a cup of fresh basil

a good handful of kale

two cloves of garlic

two tablespoons of olive oil

four tablespoons of nutritional yeast

one quarter of a cup of fresh pistachios

salt

pepper

I'm sure that you already have many questions, the most pertinent one probably being, why the pistachios?

The truth is I bought them on a whim from a local Mediterranean market near my house when I was eighty cents short of the shop's card minimum. I had no idea what they were or what they tasted like at the time, I really only know that they're pistachios now based off of visual context clues alone. They're not salty and they kind of have that desirable wet nut texture that pignolias usually add to the sauce, only these weren't nineteen god damn dollars a pound. They've been sitting in the back of my fridge ever since that holy afternoon, just begging for an opportunity like this.

If you're taking this walk with me through the valley of the damned, free the nuts of their outer-most layer of skin. Pry open the inner shell and set the meat aside. Smash the garlic and discard the peels.

It doesn't really matter what order you add the ingredients in. All I know for sure is that kale on the bottom generally makes for a prettier picture.

By this point you should see the blades and immediately know what we're going to be doing next. Just hold down the button until you can't pick any of the discrete components out from the rest. Those garlic cloves should be fucking specks.

This is just me kind of thinking out loud, but I'll bet this stuff is something that could be made with a mortar and pestle instead of a food processor. I've never owned or used one before, but I do know they're used to smash.

I digress. We've got the sauce, what are we gonna do with it? Personally, I'm a huge fan of pesto and dumplings, so I'm gonna do something a little bit gross and defrost some of the gnocchi we made a couple of weeks ago for the purpose of demonstrating the powerful flavor this pesto paste imparts.

Do the same thing as when we did it with the red sauce. The gnocchi kind of melted into the mess I made after spending so much time in cryogenic isolation, which is probably not haute couture but is absolutely delicious in reality. I added in a few cherry tomatoes for good measure. Just keep scraping everything along until you're satisfied with what's in front of you, that's generally what I do.

It's like a big green mashed potato pancake, and it's all going right into my belly. This dish is excellent leftover and is therefore a great option when planning out your weekly meal-prep menu for work or school, two things that, at this point in time, I still unfortunately don't have to fucking deal with. Life is a cold, empty vacuum with no beginning or end.

This sauce is a bit garlicky for date night, but you can always make a few alternative choices at the font of the food processor to accommodate your perverse desires and still also get your fix. There is a balance to be found there. Trust me when I say it is a struggle I am more than familiar with.