chili

Jesus. I'm looking at the calendar on my desk right now, I didn't realize until this morning that October is almost over for the year. Today marks the beginning of our transition from soft autumn into hard autumn, the final precursor separating us from the cold darkness of December.

In order to sustain our young through these unforgiving winter months, we're going to need a big ol' pot of something much heartier than the usual fare, food that warms you up from the inside out. It's time to make some vegan chili.

This recipe is a total rip-off of my mom's very non-vegan chili; she needed me to make her some beans for it one day and there were extra, so I decided to hop in and do a meatless version in tandem with her. It was delicious but she thought the whole thing was really annoying.

one cup of cooked black beans

one cup of cooked white beans

one half of an onion

one half of a red bell pepper

three or four stalks of celery

two tablespoons of olive oil

one can of tomatoes

one teaspoon of garlic powder

one teaspoon of cumin

one teaspoon of paprika

one teaspoon of cayenne

one half of a teaspoon of chili powder

one teaspoon of salt

one teaspoon of pepper

one quarter of a cup of chili sauce (heinz 57. only this will do.)

Don't be intimidated; making chili is actually much easier than it seems. This stuff is really going to knock your socks off.

Squirt a little bit of oil into your pot over a medium-low flame; while that heats up, run your knife through the fresh vegetables. Get them all in there when it's hot enough to make them sizzle.

You want to develop a healthy layer of fond on the bottom of the pan. Don't worry too much if everything starts to stick; these guys are about to have more lubrication than they're even going to know what to do with in a couple of minutes. Add the beans in once the edges of the veggies start turning golden brown. Give the mix a few tosses before dumping in the spice mixture.

The idea is to sort of get everything a little toasty before drowning the whole thing in sauce. In my limited experience, this prevents a bland stew. Or something. I don't fucking know. This is like my second time making chili. Whiz up your tomatoes if they aren't yet broken down already. Now is the time to get really sloppy.

Once your tomatoes are in and bubbling away, you can add the final ingredient, which is of course some Heinz 57 chili sauce. This is by far the most important component; the chili just isn't the same without it. It's almost certainly the high fructose corn syrup. They put it in there to always keep you coming back for more.

Turn the heat down to low and cover with a lid. Let it simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally to scrape anything getting stuck to the bottom. Once most of the liquid has been reduced, turn off the stove and let it sit for about twenty minutes before consumption.

I know. She doesn't look like much, but trust me when I say there is nothing more satisfying to tuck into after a long day of being a piece of shit than a bowl of this delicious vegan chili. It's great for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or, if you're anything like me, all three, at least for a couple of days. It's filling, full of protein, and, most importantly, very tasty.

You guys are going to hate this but one of my all-time favorite leftover makeover combinations is this chili with the polenta we made on here a couple of weeks ago; it's like being at a backyard barbecue, only you don't have to talk to any of your relatives about how your life is going. This meal requires zero effort: you literally just drop the frozen polenta straight into a jar of cold chili and nuke it for a few minutes. Slice up some avocado to add on top and suddenly, you've got the best walking taco of your fucking life. It truly is a special experience.