zucchini cake

Welcome to the kitchen once again, boys. #BudgetWeek was here and gone in the blink of an eye, and what a week it was. Now, it's Monday, which means we're back at it again with the bourgeoisie nonsense with yet another new theme, Zucchini Week.

My mother recently planted a zucchini plant in the backyard. It used to be a normal zucchini plant, but over the last couple of weeks, for some reason I still can't quite discern, it went absolutely nuts and nearly quadrupled in size, dominating the garden and ruling with an iron fist. Never in my life have I ever had this much produce just dropped onto my lap. We're gonna make the most of this blessing, starting with an attempt at making a zucchini cake, which sounded like a really good idea at the time.

two cups of corn flour

one and a half cups of grated zucchini

one half of a cup of stevia

two tablespoons of chia seeds

one container of applesauce

one quarter of a cup of canola oil

one teaspoon of almond extract

one tablespoon of dried rosebuds

one tablespoon of poppy seeds

one half of a teaspoon of baking powder

one half of a teaspoon of baking soda

a pinch of salt

I know what you're thinking. Poppy seeds? Rosebuds? Who are you, and what have you done with the person who usually runs this blog? I'm right here, guys. Soak the chia seeds and steep your petals in some hot water. We're taking this one all the way to the top.

Like any other cake recipe worth its salt, this one starts out with a wet bowl. Taking into consideration the less common of my ingredients, I had a bit of trouble drawing that line in a way that didn't include everything aside from the flour and poppy seeds. I'm pretty sure this wasn't a mistake. Whatever. Choices were made. Stir it all together.

This was another one that looked pretty unpleasant all the way through; I needed something colorful in the mix to break up the bland ocean of stale cornmeal. Why the inclusion of corn flour all of a sudden, you ask? I ran out of rice flour last week, and while rummaging through the cupboard in a frustrated fit, I stumbled upon a huge sack of masa meal I bought back in the dark ages and haven't made a single tamale with. It was like winning the lottery; you whiz it up in the ol' blender-cup and it's just like having real flour from the store. In an effort to prove to both myself and the world that I'm strong enough to make life work within my means, we will be relying on this unexpected gift from god in the coming weeks.

I'm going to fast-forward us through the rest of the mixing; we've done this before several times, you don't need me to walk you through it again. I don't even have a proper set of baking instructions for you; I started at 350° for twenty-three minutes, but after several failed toothpick tests and extensions of the original cooking time, I decided to jack it up to 375°. If you've been with us since the beginning, you already know this is always a mistake, but that's never stopped me before.

This cake turned out terrible. There was no lift or rise, the center never quite baked fully, and you could barely taste the poppy seeds and rose water. The almond flavor and aroma certainly comes through, however, almost to a nauseating extent. I may have added a bit too much.

To be brutally honest, this one was much too similar to the zucchini muffin recipe featured here a couple of months ago for my comfort level, but it had to be done. Two major factors contributed to the recipe you see before you on your screen: one, I tried workshopping a roasted zucchini seed snack for today. The result? Failure, never gonna happen satisfactorily. The second was the fact that my mom got me a bread pan for my birthday and I was really excited to use it. So, naturally, the math shakes out. We made a zucchini cake. I'm like an un-neutered animal when it comes to new toys.

In a desperate attempt to dress the disappointing cake just a bit, I tried to make a gross little glaze out of stevia and lemon juice, not fully understanding the difference between confectioner's sugar and fake sugar from a sack in this context at this point in my life. It was awful. It didn't even taste good. Never try this at home. It just won't work.

This is a cornbread recipe. I didn't realize that about this experiment until after I had already done it. The corn flour is hearty, filling, and in a way, almost savory, making it a great thing to munch on with your coffee or tea in the morning. With that being said however this in no way resembles the cake I had set out to make in the first place. It is not light and fluffy, it will not make a man dance.

I have failed both my loyal fanbase and myself, and at such great cost. Nothing will ever fill the void.