zucchini meatballs
Why has it taken so long for us to get to a mock meatball recipe? I say that like I plan any of these more than a week in advance, but it's the truth. I both made and ate a metric fuck-ton of these with my grandma growing up, and, in my own sad, bleeding-heart, sob-story type of way, I find that my performance here is greatly enhanced when I'm working from a recipe I'm already familiar with. Those who have been with us for the entire journey thus far are probably already more than aware of where there are gaps in my culinary knowledge; we've had our fair share of mishaps, and, to be fair, the fear of failure does keep things interesting for me. Being a vegan is still something I'm kind of getting used to, sort of like how it took a long time to get used to how PC you need to be in a place like LA. I used to throw the f-word around like it was the c-word. And by "the f-word," I mean the bad one, not my favorite one. Let's get on with the recipe.
one zucchini
one tablespoon of ground chia seeds
three tablespoons of nutritional yeast
one clove of garlic
one handful of fresh parsley
one tablespoon of dried basil
salt
pepper
You're about to taste something that comes directly from my heart. It's Zucchini Week, bitches. I hope you brought your party hats.
This one is as simple as it is delicious. It is a direct descendent of my grandmother's recipe, slightly modified to accommodate an allergen-free lifestyle. If you want to make devil balls instead, simply substitute the nooch for parmesan, the chia seed with an egg, the zucchini with mechanically-separated animal flesh, and the fake bread crumbs for real bread crumbs.
Once you've got your chia egg bathing away blissfully, go ahead and grate down the zuke. Run your knife through the parsley once or twice. Peel the garlic and get your microplane handy. We're going in.
Here you can see the whole team getting to know each other. You may be wondering whether or not you can swap the fresh parsley for dried, or the dried basil with fresh, or both for a completely different spice blend entirely. It's gonna be a hard "no" on that one for me.
The flavorscape this combination in particular lends to the dish is classic and undeniable. To change the herb is to change the zucchini ball. Roll them out until the bowl has been exhausted of mush.
Preheat your oven to 350°, the only temperature I ever really need to ask the one in my kitchen to produce. Stick them in for about twenty-five minutes, or until they stop being so pasty and unpleasant to look at.
In the meantime, I decided to work on some spaghetti to go with these balls instead of cracking open a bottle of wine for the afternoon. Get a pot of salted water boiling. Certain types of people will say that pasta water should be as salty as the Baltic Sea, but I think that's kind of a misleading turn of phrase. Salt it until you can taste it, dumbasses.
Here they are after waiting in utero for a while; I'm happy to report that they ended up smelling exactly like the real thing. Some people eat with their eyes. I eat with my nostrils.
Start warming up the sauce of your choice in a non-stick pan; get the pasta in there first, along with a few sips' worth of the starchy water it was boiled in. When you have achieved your preferred consistency, toss in a few of the balls. Get everything covered. I dug another jar of red sauce out of the ol' freezer drawer just to do this demonstration.
They ended up being way better than how I remember them; I wasn't expecting to be consumed emotionally by this moderately-portioned bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. I'm not sure if it's because as a kid I didn't know what it felt like to not have a plate of them sitting somewhere in the fridge, but I really didn't appreciate these things enough growing up.
I feel like I almost called them "meatballs" every single time I had to refer to them while writing this entry. They honestly don't even look or feel all that different from the ones my family and I made out of living things back in the day, especially once they're smothered in tomato paste. Recipes like those french tofu sticks? Trash, and therefore stored long-term in a garbage bag. These zucchini balls are going into one of the nice freezer bags from the store, I'll tell you that much right now.
Give them a shot at home next time you're trying to pull dinner together in a pinch and have only a zucchini; they're cheap, easy, delicious, and a real crowd-pleaser, especially if there's vegan alcohol involved. I love 'em, you'll love 'em, and your whole family will probably love 'em, too. If I gotta die, I'm gonna do it in front of a plate of these z-balls, sitting on a big stack of telephone books, bib tucked 'round my neck, a fork in each hand.
