hashbrown patties

When I was a kid, the worst part about playing with toys, to me, was picking them up afterward; I think I was born unusually lazy, with some genetic disposition that causes my central nervous system to falter and my body to collapse when I know there are chores in my near future. It's something I'm starting to get over as an adult, but there are some tasks that are just too much for my simple, feeble mind to handle front to back. One of these things is frying up homemade hashbrowns from scratch on the stove. It's almost as bad as when I would get my legos all over the place way back in the day; I always make a mess, and I never want to clean it up.

When you're extremely lazy like me, but also somebody who demands a lot out of life, you find ways to get around the terribly juvenile aversions that separate you from your goals. This is one of my old kitchen hacks, straight out of the dark ages, for when you need to get your fix but would rather be fucking around on Twitter than nursing a pan full of potato shreds in the wee hours of the morning; I do it, you do it, we all do it. Don't act so high and mighty, we're all just people here.

one potato

one quarter of an onion

garlic salt

salt

pepper

With something as timeless as these hashbrown patties, it feels wrong to overcomplicate things. I have presented them here to you in their pure, unadulterated form.

I was feeling particularly useless on this day; all I did here was dice the potato and onion and toss the entire pile into my food processor with the seasonings. Take careful note of which button you use to pulverize the chunks - one false move, and you could end up with a potato purée. We can save that for a day when we want to make fake latkes. I'm not Jewish, and I never claimed to be.

Just like with the zucchini, straining the potato and onion slaw will make for a much more composed final product. After letting it rest like this for ten minutes, feel free to get your fingers in there. Give the whole thing a good squeeze and pat dry with a paper towel.

Once you feel satisfied with the consistency, grab a muffin tin and start packing the potato base into the bottom of the cups. Flatten out the tops and brush over a bit of olive oil if you're feeling naughty.

The density here is definitely a personal choice; I like mine to feel like fat little potato bombs in my mouth, but people with actual taste may prefer something lighter and fluffier. Stick them in the oven at 350° until the edges start to turn brown and beautiful.

And there you have it. That's how you get big-city hashbrown flavor without all of the fuss and hassle of making a real hash on the stove. Take these with you to school or work for breakfast on the run or enjoy them as a quick snack between long, introspective spells of staring out through the window, trying to understand where you went wrong in life.

This was kind of a scant one; I'm pretty sure it was Shakespeare who taught the world that brevity is wit, but he's dead now, so what the hell does he know? Try 'em at home, tell me what your kids think of them. I promise they'll be a real crowd-pleaser in the coming winter months.