eggplant bacon

There's this thing about bacon on the internet. A long time ago, some very unfunny nerds decided to make it a "meme." Bacon is not a meme; people who think bacon is a meme don't understand what the word "meme" means, but I digress; it's certainly garnered a following despite this fact, and with good reason. Even though the act of consuming bacon requires the death of at least one animal, I have to admit that the sensation of it is something to be savored, even if you're eating the cheap stuff. Bacon is one of those non-vegan things I look back fondly on now that I'm an enlightened woman, and I'm sure I'm not alone. Today we're going to make an attempt to emulate the bacon experience without stripping a hog of its flesh.

Let's just come right out and say it: this isn't exactly one of those recipes everybody already knows how to make. I sought the wisdom of the good lord above, and he told me to Google it. It worked. I chose the first recipe that came up, right at the top in the little box. It was simple, yet elegant. I had to get a taste.

one eggplant

liquid smoke

brown sugar

two packets of soy sauce

paprika

salt

pepper

Tempeh? Texturized vegetable protein? That stuff is all for chumps. I'm gonna show you how to transcend the need for such amenities in the fattest way possible.

The Liquid Smoke was by far the most mysterious guest at the table on this day; I had no idea what it was or what it tasted like, all I knew was that the machine said it was necessary. I made it so.

Cut the eggplant into boards approximately one-eighth of an inch thick. I know what you're thinking, these are going to be very hefty bacon slices. I was right there with you, but can attest to the fact that you're going to want the contingency after factoring in the amount of shrinkage that occurs in the oven. If you want to produce eggplant chips, though, that's fine, too. You know I won't judge.

Now would be a good time to whip the marinade into shape. Combine the remaining ingredients, adding salt and sugar to taste. Make sure to pepper the sauce generously. There's something about the extra pepper that really kicks the whole thing into high gear.

Do not be afraid to use the trash bag; it is simply the most effective tool to use in a situation like this. Allow the strips of eggplant to soak for at least a half of an hour before laying them out.

Once they're on the baking sheet, feel free to brush them gently with a touch of canola oil. This will really get things going as they cook; without it, it's like they're not even fried. If I wanted a healthy breakfast, I would have eaten some plain cucumber slices, or something asinine like that.

The big secret to be found here? Oven temperature. A properly lit coil would atomize these things, but luckily for you, I have a solution. Just like with real meat, the key is to cook these puppies low and slow; 275° for twenty-three minutes worked well for me, but you can ensure your own success by keeping a close eye on them during those crucial final moments. Flipping them over halfway through is also very good practice.

Here they are, crispy as all get out and ready to bring new life to my breakfast routine. It is quite difficult to resist going in for some quality control right when they come out of the oven, but heed my word and give them a few minutes to cool off before grabbing them all up with your dirty little fingers; this will give them the slightly rubbery mouthfeel of bacon that hasn't quite had all of the fat rendered off of it. If you're a proud member of #TeamCrispyBacon, just let them rest in the oven after turning off the heat instead. The choice is yours.

Do they taste like bacon? Final verdict: sort of. If you eat them early enough in the morning, it's easier to ignore the difference. Whether you're a meat-deprived vegan interested in shaking things up a little bit or a tried-and-true carnivore looking to slow things down for the ladies, there is no doubt that these bastards will be up for the task. Paired with the right accompaniments, they are nigh unstoppable.