the most important smoothie
I think there comes a time in every woman's life where she gets fed up with the various options there are when it comes to getting her fix while also not exceeding her daily caloric means. In the dead of night, the old ways start to creep back in, completely intruding upon the peaceful routine of adult discipline I have so painstakingly wrought from the ground up.
When I say most women, I of course mean mostly myself, and today's recipe is the lovechild of one of these weaker moments. The most important smoothie is something I came up with while brainstorming ways to make nice cream even nicer, and when I say even nicer, I really mean icier, more filling, and less calorically dense. What follows may shock the faint of heart; there is no vegan Ben & Jerry's where I'm from.
one cup of frozen zucchini and spinach, shredded
one quarter of a frozen banana, sliced
one quarter of a cup of black beans
two teaspoons of powdered peanut butter
one teaspoon of vanilla
three packets of splenda
one quarter of a cup of almond milk
one pinch of salt
You should already know what we're about to do next; it's time to dust off the ol' blender-cup and pile it high, up to the sky.
Once you've accomplished the impossible and gathered everything into one place, take a moment to admire your work. Prepare yourself emotionally for what will inevitably follow.
Look, this may not be the most appealing or glamorous shot of my kitchen, but it's the truth, raw, gritty, and unadulterated. I don't live in Hollywood, I am not here to cater to your sick, twisted vegan fantasy of who I am.
The prepared pureé. Notice the slightly foamier texture than previous smoothies presented here in the past; this is my way of using visual cues to help the audience perceive the developmental arc my character here has taken here over the last few months.
If internet vegans have taught me anything, it's that only fat, ugly bulldykes like me wolf down their smoothies without putting some fucking sprinkles on top first, which is why I adhere to this code strictly since making the transition; here I've chosen to enhance the appearance of my bowl with some homemade granola and a few more slices of frozen banana. Classic, timeless, and simply irresistible.
The most important smoothie is a great way to round out your favorite caffeinated beverage of choice; the potassium will keep everything in order during those delicate earlier hours, helping you avoid a bad case of the runs from ruining your morning commute. Josef Lincoln taught me that. Great guy.
Enjoy immediately, or toss into the freezer for later. That's the beauty behind the bowl; the choice is yours.
